Election
season is always a bit crazy in Missouri. This 2006 election season proved to
be one of those especially whacky and cantankerous election years. Due to the
push to pass an Amendment to our state constitution, which would permit human
cloning, the battle of the “Vote No” vs. “Vote yes” on Human Cloning
began. The stakes were high as such an
amendment, would constitutionally protect human cloning.
Our
signs for a NO Vote would be defaced or removed in the dark of night by the
opponents we faced. Night after night, the sign thieves would come and remove
the signs. Some even resorted to defacing property in their nightly raids.
Throughout
the month of October the battle raged. By the end of the month it had become a
fact of nightly attacks upon our private property an especially our signs.
Obviously the sign raiders didn’t know it is not nice to fool Mother Nature or
little old Irish ladies on a “Mission for God.”
On
the morning of October 30th, I had had enough of being Mrs. Nice old
lady who patiently takes in and puts out her signs everyday to protect them.
I
decided to take some action. Stealing myself for the battle ahead, I laid my
battle plan carefully. With a glint in my eye, I set off on a shopping trip,
which I must say I enjoyed much more than I usually do shopping trips. First
stop was at Wal-mart’s toy department. I spent considerable time carefully
wheeling around the department searching for the perfect ammunition. From
there, it was on to the grocery store. Wheeling through the aisle on the
handicap cart, I quickly assembled my remaining arsenal of weapons. A large jar
of honey, motor oil and black trash bags.
This
night the raiders were going to pay for their crimes! I carefully painted the edges of my signs
with the honey to make them nice and sticky. Then I cut up and laid down the
trash bags, dribbled more honey and motor oil on them and covered them with
leaves, also duly baptized with honey and motor oil.
When
night fell I was ready and waiting for the battle to begin. Dressed in my
finest Annie Oakley attire, armed with my cap gun, a spotlight and a primed
garden hose, I nestled down in my bunker to wait for the enemy. Hours went by
while I warmed myself with thoughts of the sweet victory I was about to
undertake. It was a fire fueled inside of me with a resolve General Custer
would have been proud of.
Three
hours later, my resolve was still hot, but the cold and chill was setting into
my old bones. I was beginning to think the raiders were not going to engage the
battle on my street this particular night. Then, just as I was preparing to
give up and surrender my battle station for the night, the eerie light of car
headlights began to glow softly on my honey/oil coated signs. The enemy had
arrived!
Suddenly,
from the driveway, two large dark figures sneaking across my yard came into
view! Holding my fire and waiting for the perfect moment, my heart was racing!
As providence would have it, both of the enemy combatants reached their
designated sign targets at precisely the same moment! As they reached out to
kidnap and trash my signs, I hit the button on my floodlight! With cap gun
blazing and my walker to steady my aim, I gave out a battle cry that any Marine
Sergeant would surely have approved!
Viva
La Christo! I yelled at the top of my lungs!
POP!
Take
that you rascals! POP!
Viva
the Un-born! POP!
Down
with Sign killers! POP!
This
is for trying to fool little old ladies! POP!
By
this time, the miscreants were staring me dead in the eye! All 5 foot 2 inches
of me, dressed to fight for the unborn. Proudly welding my cap gun and walker
like a pro. And in about the same instant, the enemy realized they were covered
with goo! With slips and slides on the slick trash bags, they quickly began their
retreat. Scrambling back toward their car, with leaves and honey and motor oil
flying, they threw themselves into the car and sped off into the dark Missouri
night!
I
did feel a bit concerned that they ignored my offer for some water to wash off
their wounds before fleeing, but such is life, in the Battle for Justice! I
hope they slept well, I know I sure did.
Copyright 2006
